Heroic journey

Today, for the sixth time, I was told to "suck it up". The first five times, I arrived at false conclusions, believing that I had to accept that:
A. I'm inferior to Derek or Daniel in every conceivable way.
B. I was too innocent.
C. this is a trivial problem.
D. there is a certain order to society that I cannot break.
E. I'm obsessed with attention... so yes, I did consider it.
Today, I've realized that each conclusion has some merit, but none of them is really correct. Let me go through them:
A-Well, yes, I am physically inferior to them in both strength and looks. No, I am not intellectually inferior to them.
B-Yes, I was a little naïve in thinking I ever had a chance and in arriving at extremist conclusions, but no, I have a matter of self-awareness that exceeds most high school students.
C-This is not. It was important to me. It is to many people, but I perceive it as a grave issue.
D-Yes, white girl-asian boy is improbably. No, it is not impossible (or at least later on in life). And yes, people do function a certain way in society, falling for the more attractive or using women as trophies, but no, they either outgrow their stupidity after high school or die trying to keep it.
E-Yes, I wanted attention. I wanted someone on my side because I felt as though the world was mounting against me. No, I don't enjoy being treated in a pitiful way because it only reconfirms my pathetic state.
My real problem was wanting to let such a fantasy define me. I was angry at them mostly because they could easily be defined by their fantasies. They succeeded. But people do have value at birth. For a while, I've thought that people just make their own value. Indeed, I still think one can have more value than another by making one's life, but each person does have value at birth. Ambitions don't count for anything; it's success and the ability to achieve it. To cure myself, I guess I need to find my identity.
Before I begin, let me justify myself. I do have a matter of self-awareness uncommon at my age. I just don't know enough about myself to continue life. Why? Because I'm complex both intellectually and emotionally... yes, like a woman.

So let's start.
My name is not Martin Flanagan. I need to accept my real name.
I am Chinese. No matter how hard I try, I cannot will my hair to be blond, my eyes to be blue, my height to be great, or my anaemic body to be strong. This was pretty important for a lot of my life so I put it closer to the top. I have been using it as an excuse with every failed relationship I've known. I thought I was just not ready for it, but actually I was still more ready than most people.
I have a pale, anaemic body and I suck at literary thought.
I am so damn ambitious. I am more ambitious than my Asian parents ever intended.

Fuck, I hate myself. Let me continue later.