I'm going through my iTunes library and all the songs I listened a year ago. Among them are many trance songs that feel soft, round, and warm. They speak of free time and free will. For some reason, the palate of my ears reject them. I still listen to electronic music, but only the bitter, scratchy puke of the synth finds its way into my mind. I suppose this must be what the transition from white to red wine must feel like.
I cannot begin to describe what has happened to me within the last twelve months, mostly because I don't know. I only know that sometime between last February and now, a series of tragedies erupted in my life. I call these events tragedies only because I had nightmares of them for years before. I have seen the shallowness of humans and have seen the effectiveness of shallowness. I have come to question most of what I believed in. I don't think I can pinpoint a time where my innocence just died, but I can say that my reserve of it was drained. Innocence, like an arm or a leg, cannot be recovered. I'm sorry for being so dramatic, but something happened today that told me that I'm not innocent anymore. I can only believe in my own hopes and I can never sell them out again.
Cameron, if you're reading this, I hate my writing. I honestly hate my own ink. And it is my writing, not any ridiculous thing the English department has manufactured. No, I hate my writing.
Katie, if you're reading this, I think that some part of you, perhaps a tiny subconscious flicker, knows as well as I that there are people among us we cannot trust.
An Attempt at Defining the "Me"
- Мартин Флaнaгaн
- For the purpose of this writing, "subject" means the individual human being. To define myself or another being, it is necessary to deny the notions of human "souls" or "personalities" that dwell within the body. Instead, we must look at humans as machines, functioning with chemical reactions that create the illusions of thought and emotion. Therefore, the mere concept of the inner subject cannot refer to a human creature. The subject instead refers to something that does not exist in the human. But in its nonexistence, the human subject has all the potential possible to be whatever it wishes without the actual desire. And it can apply, though feels no reason to, to both me and you. The subject that is me can be yours.
1 comment:
I understand completely. I really, truly do. I think you and I have been living similar lives for the past year, and I went through the dark music phase too. The phases of my life are SET to music. You'll come out of it eventually.
We should talk. If you're up for it.
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